I'm not really sure what I want to focus on, except to take you on this adventure with me. I feel like I need to go back a few weeks to really be able to move forward.
I took off of work on February 21 to take my mom for a biopsy. After several trips to the ER for pain, a few CT scans and one PET scan, doctors felt she had lung cancer. At this point, I felt as if I had been slapped in the face and stabbed in the heart. At 36 years old, I never imagined that I would be faced with a reality that did not include my mom. It never occurred to me that she may not be here to see my children (13 and 1) grow up, graduate college, get married, have children, etc. I knew at that point that I needed to make some changes in my own life because I never wanted my children to feel the way I was feeling in those moments. Obviously I know that no one lives forever, but I also want to be around to retire from teaching and keep (spoil) my grandchildren. I decided to make a 45 before 45 list. I wanted to make sure I wasn't letting life pass me by as I stayed busy in the monotony of every day life. I wanted to set goals that I gave a time limit to reach.
I have always wanted to run, but have never felt like I could. Never felt like my lung capacity was good enough, felt like I was never in good enough shape to, how many more excuses would you like? Now, I have to be honest. My love of Disney also propelled me into pursuing running, as it was around this time that I kept seeing pictures of the Princess marathon on Facebook. Between wanting to improve my own health and wanting to eventually run the Princess marathon at Disney, I decided then and there that I was going to conquerer (that's such a strong word... maybe I should say that I was going to enter) the running world. The Princess marathon went on my list.
I started by chatting with several "runner" friends. Everyone said I needed to start by getting fitted for shoes, but due to back-to-back dance competitions, it would still take several weeks to get them. My uncle, my dad's younger brother, had been diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in 2014. He had been actively trying to find a cure until February when he realized there was, in fact, nothing else that could be done. I was trying to spend my Sunday afternoons with him and his family, as I knew our time was limited. I have already lost two aunts to cancer. There is nothing more that I can say other than it is a wicked disease and it truly sucks. March 8 would be the last time I would see him awake and talking. It would be the last time I would hug him and tell him that I love him that he would respond. He stood up to hug me as I left to move on with my life, prepare for work and school the next day. By March 11, he was unresponsive. I had worked that day with cheer clinic following and did not get to their house until about 6pm. I stayed for hours and just watching him breathe as he lay in the bed. I held his hand and talked to him, told him how much I loved him. I knew this would be the last day I would see him breathing, the last time I would see him alive. I was literally watching death take him. On the way home, I spoke to my mom. She had received the results of her second biopsy earlier that day- it was confirmed that she had non-small cell lung cancer. My uncle left the Earth the next day on March 12. He, like my mother, smoked most of his life and now he was gone at 57 years old. As if all of this was not quite enough, the threat of the Corona virus or COVID 19 was becoming a real thing. Talk of closing the schools was becoming more and more realistic. That Saturday, what would have been our third dance dance competition in a row had been canceled due to COVID 19 and I took time to go to Running Wild to get fitted for running shoes. $200 later, I had a new pair of Sauconys, insoles, and socks. I was ready to run. I was ready to take control of my own life and health since everything else felt like it was spiraling around me.
Aren't they pretty??
Paul's funeral was on Monday. After several long days, I was ready to lace up my new shoes, put my AirPods in and hit the pavement. I had already downloaded the Couch 2 5K app, so Annaleise, Hollis (in his stroller) and I set out for Day 1. I'm not going to lie- it was not as easy as I had hoped it would be. Even though it is interval jogging and walking, I learned that our neighborhood is not exactly conducive to running (it is not flat) and jogging for 45-60 seconds is a lot when you are used to jogging zero seconds. LOL. I figured that running was cheaper than therapy and surely it would get easier.... right??
Day 1
I returned to work on Tuesday and learned that the schools would be closing at 3pm that day. It was the craziest day, trying to tie up all of the loose ends since I had been out the day before and was about to shut my door for who knows how long. The halls were like a ghost town and the vibe was just weird. Right now, we are on a three week break, waiting to hear it we are going back after what had been scheduled for Spring Break in April. Life without routine is leaving me extremely anxious.
Yesterday, I went with mom to meet with the oncologist. While I was expecting so many answers, I only left with more questions. Basically, the biopsy did not get enough tissue, so she needs another to be able to determine the sub-type of her cancer to determine what type of treatment is best. He confirmed stage IV non-small cell lung cancer and scheduled a few more tests to be done next week. It was a long, hard appointment for me. Once I got home, I changed clothes and once again, put on my running shoes. Annaleise and I headed out again. I have to say, this time was a little easier. My shins are hurting a little when I run, but I expect it is because it is a new activity that I am not used to. I took today off and plan to go back out tomorrow for our third day of the week.
Day 2
It has been a long, hard few weeks. Things I have learned:
1. Take the time to stop and smell the roses (or whatever else it is that you want to do)
2. Don't take anything or anyone for granted. Life can change in an instant and it can all be gone in a moment.
3. Be present in every moment. Would the sunset look any different to you if you knew it was your last? Or do you ignore it because you know it will set again tomorrow?
4. There is plenty that you can't control. So focus on the things that you can, make your lists, complete tasks, etc. The things you can't control- you have to let it go and let it be. You can't worry about those things because they will be what they are.
